My man

Earlier this week, we celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary. 

As a little girl, I didn’t dream of wedding…

As a teenager and young adult I couldn’t imagine being married to one person for the rest of my life…

I have had 3 relationships of importance before meeting Jonathan. 

I dated my high school sweetheart for 2 years. 

Dated a guy in college for a year. 

Was single for a year than dated another guy for 2 years, we lived together for that second year and I realized on a road trip that he wasn’t the guy for me…

Jonathan was different. 

He was mysterious… 

He was speaking a foreign language (English πŸ˜‰)…

He was sexy! 😍

We didn’t plan to fall in love!

We both had plans to work in Mont-Tremblant, QuΓ©bec for awhile than move on with our careers. 

We started dating in Dec 1996…

I moved in his appartment on Feb 1st 1997… To save money and let’s be honest, he lived closer to work than I did 😜

May 1997, we embarked on a road trip… We drove at least 3,000 km together.   

My family didn’t speak English…. Jon’s French was basic and my English was improving. 

I remember my mom telling me that this guy was different! 

Mom knows best right?

πŸ’—πŸ’“πŸ’•πŸ’–πŸ’žπŸ’˜

I sometimes imagine conversations in my head. 

Our daughter is 17… 

We talk about many things but we also don’t talk about even more things so I imagine…  I will be ready if she ever asks me how I knew he was the guy for me. 

πŸ’—πŸ’“πŸ’•πŸ’–πŸ’žπŸ’˜

The truth is, I didn’t know. 

We were not planning on being together forever so we never felt the need to pretend. 

When we fell in love, we fell for each other. 

No games, no being extra nice, no wearing make-up and being available whenever he wanted me to. 

Jonathan learned not to wake me up for no reasons. 

I learned to give him space and go with the flow…. 

To be honest, I’m still working on the going with the flow thing…

That’s what my mom saw!

She saw “ME” with Jonathan. 

She saw me being myself, she saw me laugh and she saw me happy!

Over the months, it became obvious that what we had wasn’t temporary.  

I went from not being able to imagine being married to not being able to see my life without him in it!

 
So if Emily ever asks me how I knew…

I will have to say that it felt right…

Jonathan allowed me to be myself, loved me without asking for anything in return, accepted me the way I was (good, awesome and not so good sides), made me laugh, spoiled me with attention and shared my values. 

I believe I did the same for him!

πŸ’—πŸ’“πŸ’•πŸ’–πŸ’žπŸ’˜

Almost 19 years together and 17 years married…

We faced more as a couple than we ever signed up for!  

How do I know he is still my guy?

When my legs hurt, he rubs A535 on them. 

When I’m sad, he holds me in his arms. 

When I need cake, ice cream or chips… He says he won’t go get it but he goes 😍

When there is just too much going on in my head, he holds me till I fall asleep. 

When I’m down, he lifts me up. 

When he’s off, he makes us dinner! 

 
I believe I do as much for him as he does for me which is part of what keeps us together. 

My man!     

 

It’s genetic…

Back when Emily was diagnosed with the Cri Du Chat syndrome, we were told that we needed to be tested as well to determine if we were carriers.

The thing with genetic anomalies is that you can be a carrier and not have any clues that you are! Β If whatever piece you are missing is attached to another chromosome, you will be just fine!Β  You will go your whole life not knowing.

So, once Emily was diagnosed with CDC syndrome, we were explained that she was missing part of the short arm (p) of her 5th chromosome. Β Another name for her syndrome is 5p-

With such diagnosis comes more genetic testing but this time for the parents.

Being tested is simple enough, it’s just a little needle for some blood work than it’s waiting time….Β  that’s the difficult part.

That’s the part when you try to convince yourself that will not blame either you or your spouse for your child’s condition.Β  To be honest, I was extremely scared of being a carrier and even more scared that my husband was because I wasn’t sure I was a big enough person to not assign blame.Β  I wasn’t sure my young marriage would survive one of us being a carrier… I was worried about my future, my family, my life…..Β  That’s a lot of worrying for a 24 year old mom…

We are not carriers…. it was a relief to know this but it was also a really confusing moment for me as I had to learn to live with the fact that somehow, while creating a new life I had lost a tiny piece of chromosome and that tiny piece meant that Emily would forever be struggling …Β  How did I manage that???

No one knows!

When the genetic counselor told us we were not carrier, they also added that if we decided to have another child, we should contact them and that my pregnancy would be followed closely…Β  I couldn’t quite understand why they wanted to do that as we were young, healthy and not carriers.Β  Our odds at the time were estimated at 1:50,000 to have a child with CDC… What were the odds to have a second one with CDC?

But never mind the odds…..Β  if my baby was tested and had CDC…. what then?

…….

What was the point of this testing?Β  We would have to decide if we were keeping our baby???Β  Really???

…….

What an interesting idea…

Were we supposed to test our baby than decide to not continue with the pregnancy should the baby has CDC?

Were we supposed to test our baby than decide to continue the pregnancy…

Did we want to make the decision?

Was there even a decision to be made?

…….

I adore my baby girl with or without her syndrome…Β  I would not trade her for all the money in the world…Β  I will give her the best life she could ever have…

How would I live with myself if I decided to terminate a pregnancy because my future baby would be like my first one???Β  My first one is the love of my life why would the second one be any different?

Why would I be tested if regardless of the test results I would keep my baby?

What was the point?

…….

In the end, we didn’t add to our family… but in the meantime, when considering having another baby we decided that we would not contact the genetic counselor, we would not get tested and whatever happened would be ok with us!

…….

From the outside, it is easy to judge, it is easy to tell someone that to risk having another heavily disabled kid is not a good idea…

From the outside, it looks easy to say that a pregnancy should be stopped…

From the outside, whoever is looking our way knows nothing.Β  Absolutely NOTHING!!!!

Unless you’ve walked in my shoes, bug off!Β  Keep your opinions to yourself!

I will never even consider terminating a pregnancy because my next baby could be as extra-ordinary as the first one!

I have to live with myself, how could I justify doing something like this?

……..

Next time you find yourself on the outside looking in, whatever it is you are looking at…… remember that you probably don’t know half of the story so don’t be so quick to judge.Β  How would you like to be the one being judged?

kisses