June | 2013 | Lessons from my daughter

We all do it some point in our life…. We look at someone and make a comment (preferably in our head….)…

Over the last month, it happened twice that a comment about me was made directly to me.

One day, I will talk about how people look at Emily but today’s post is about me!

1st… early May, I was speaking with a colleague and for the first time I got talking with him about Emily, her syndrome and our struggles over the year. At some point in the conversation, I was told that I looked too young to have a teenage daughter. That I look like a young successful professional, that it looks as if life treated me well, as if my life was easy….

Something like that…. maybe not to the dot but the overall feeling was that I looked like someone who has had an easy life!

….

Once again, last week… a good friend asked me how it is that I don’t age? In looking at pictures in my blog, she doesn’t feel like I have aged in the last 15 years.

My reply to her was “a life of no stress will do that to you”

LMFAO!!!

We have had so much stress in our life that my mother-in-law use to tease us by asking if we would be able to function without the stress…

Quite frankly, I am not sure!

For friends or colleagues to notice that my skin and general appearance doesn’t show my age…. it’s flattering!

For those wondering how it is possible….. I use cream on my face, good cream and I have used cream since my early 20’s….. ok…. 🙂 that’s sounds ridiculous even to me! I don’t feel I look like I did 15 years ago, in my mind, I feel my almost 40 years old…

…….

I truly don’t believe it’s just the cream…

I believe it goes back to those phone calls that changed my perspectives on life.

I decided years ago that I would be happy, that regardless of what life was throwing at me, I was going to be happy!!!!

I spend time with my daughter, I love just hanging out with her. She is really funny and witty! I sing my head off with her in the car (I know all the Justin Bieber, Carly Rae Jepsen and others teen idol’s songs!!!), we dance in the kitchen, we cuddle, we watch tv and yes, I watched all the little kids show. Now we are more at the pre-teen shows but she also likes the Big Bang Theory….. I love the BBT. It allowed me to have some pretty interesting conversation with her…. “So what do you think Howard means when he says…..” Considering she is a little girl and a teenager all at once, we need to have those conversations…

On top of deciding every single day that I will be happy, I decided to not make a big deal out of little things… this helps too!

Pick your battles….. is it really that important? if it’s not, let it go!

And, don’t go to bed upset… never…

Whatever happened, whatever made you upset… if the person you are upset with doesn’t make it through the night, how will you feel? If those last words you exchanged were your last words… could you live with that?

It seems a little drastic to think that way but it’s really simple. You don’t have to tell that person that you are ok with whatever happened… you don’t have to forgive and forget before you are ready but you can certainly tell them that you are hurt, that you disagree but that you still love/like them. That you need time to adjust to the situation but that you still care about them…

So, here are my secrets for looking so young (which I don’t believe I really do…..)

1. Use good cream on your face! Don’t forget your eyes…

2. Be happy! Play like a kid! Spend time with your kids, not just along side them. Laugh with them

3. Pick your battle, if it’s not really important, let it go! Who really cares about the dishes? I’ll take a cuddle anytime over doing the dishes… The dishes will be there tomorrow but the cuddle might not!

4. Never go to bed upset… Never allow your last words to someone be something you might regret.

And just for the fun of it…………….. don’t take yourself to seriously!

Is there anything else you think I should add to my list?

I don’t have a lot of “me” time and lately I have used all of it to write this blog!

In a typical week, I would say I have almost 2 hours to myself on Saturday morning between 9 and 11am when Emily is working with her tutor.

During that time, I could go to the market, take the dog to the park, pick-up some grocery, start the laundry….. so many things I could be doing but instead of all that….

Instead of all that….. I drive to a small coffee shop not far from the Sylvan learning Centre and I order a breakfast sandwich (with bacon) and a cafe latte.

I sit there and I read, plan vacations or just play with my phone. Once my food and drink are done, I get back to my car and go sit in the parking lot by the Centre and stay there until Emily is ready to come home.

For me to be alone is a luxury! I have so little of this time with myself that I treasure this 2 hours a week!

I don’t really mind the fact that I always have someone with me, I just miss the little things…. stretching in a bed on my own, sitting on the toilet and expecting the door to the bathroom to stay closed, showering, getting dress…..!

Normally my 2 hour is spent really selflessly, reading something of absolutely no importance. That’s how I want to spend those 2 hours….

This morning, I decided that I needed to fill this form the school sent home a couple of weeks ago….. maybe a month ago….

It’s not a form, it’s a document….. 15 pages, 30-35 items per page. All actions that I need to determine if Emily can or can’t do.

It’s called a Function Independent Skills Handbook (FISH assessment)

It’s meant to help determine what Emily’s teacher & resource teacher will be focusing on next year when she transitions to High School.

It’s depressing… not as depressing as the last time I filled it and definitely not nearly as depressing as the first ever assessment we filled for Emily but still…

When I started answering the questions, I figured I should wait until it was cocktail time to do this but I had ignored it long enough so I just kept going…

Well, it is official…. she can’t cook, do laundry, clean around the house or do any type of woodwork 🙂

And I don’t know if she can operate an audio-tape player…..??? That one made me laugh out loud in the coffee shop! I don’t think Emily has ever seen a tape (cassette) player… Do they still exist? She can certainly manage a CD player, DVD player, XBOX, Play station and Wii but a tape player…. LOL!!! I have no idea!!!

Ok, so that one line item helped making that painful task a little bit less painful!

Still, I decided years ago to look at Emily for Emily and not to compare her to a chart….

Every time I have to chart her, it hurts…!

So today my happy though is………. a tape player? Really? Also, all the questions about speakings……. she got those, she can now speak!!!!

I will ignore all the “can’t” or “requires help” items….

I will move on to the pile of laundry…. maybe I should try to teach both Jon and Emily how to split the colors and remove the delicates…. or not!

It’s a challenge for both of them!

If you were to look at one of your loved ones (with or without a disability) and list all of their challenges in life, would you be able to turn-around, set them aside and concentrate on the positive or would you be focusing on all the things they can’t do?

Try to imagine having to repeat this exercise on a regular basis… could you continue to focus on what they can do, on those small things you love about them and not concentrate on the challenges and negativity….?