challenges | Lessons from my daughter

I asked Emily what my next blog should be about and she said: “My most improved award!”

So here we go….

In 2008-2009, Emily decided she would concentrate on her swimming. She was going to free swim with Special Olympics and was invited to join the swim team!

This was serious swimming, they practiced once a week, doing lengths and having a coach telling her how to improve her technic.. It was difficult for Emily, she enjoyed free swim a lot but had to work hard at practice…

Practice was not her idea of fun anymore but she didn’t give up!

She kept going to practice and registered for a swim meet!

I was, once again, left speechless!

Swim meet day was beyond difficult for Emily… there was a crowd and teams from other part of New Brunswick and from the other Maritime provinces…

The crowd was loud… too loud!

Emily had to wait for her turn… the waiting was long… too long!

She had to sit with her team, I wasn’t sitting with her… she wanted to sit with us!

She cried and asked to leave and go home!

…..

I didn’t let her quit! In my world, you don’t have to win but you are certainly not quitting. You need to finish what you start! We had a chat in the change room and she went back out!

She had her first race

She did well!!!

Than she couldn’t find her t-shirt…

She cried!!! Back in the change room, chatting about quitting, not quitting, the importance of a t-shirt…!

She went back out, we found her a t-shirt! It wasn’t hers (according to her) but after some arguing and more tears, she took it!

She had 3 more races and than she was done!

It was sandwich time!

Sitting with her family and “fan club” 🙂

Emily was so proud of herself. I was so proud of her!

Most people take for granted that their child will sign-up from something and they will be good at it. They will give a 100% and they will go to meets and stay with their team and ignore their parents in the crowd because it’s not cool to have your parents there cheering for you!

Not us… every single step of every single decision needs to be discussed and agreed upon. If something doesn’t go according to plan, it can get ugly quickly, not because she is a brat but because it’s just not working according to what she was expected….

…..

That day, Emily received prizes in all her races! She was proud of herself! But not enough to register to another meet!

At the Special Olympics end of season gala, she received an award for most improved in swimming!

At the gala, once she was done eating and had her award, she called it a night. The dancing was starting and she doesn’t like loud music or crowd… once again, this was a really difficult evening for her but she stayed as long as she could.

The following year when it was time to register for swimming she decided she wasn’t swimming anymore! She hasn’t returned to swimming with Special Olympics since that 2008-2009 season! She goes swimming with her school every year but she doesn’t want to be part of the swim team and won’t even go to “fun” swim night.

I have tried to talk to her about this and see if she could be convinced to at least go to fun swim as it is as much a social outing as it is an exercise thing… but there is no way I can make her go!

When Emily says no, it means no. She is stubborn, her no is as powerful as her determination to learn how to walk was… once she makes up her mind, one way or the other, it is really hard, almost impossible, to make her go with another option. I am actually quite proud of that…

We showed her how to make decisions for herself and when we offer her an option (yes or no) we have to be sure we can live with either option. When it is a non-negotiable, we start with that, we don’t ask if she could… we tell her what we are expecting…

Experience taught us well….

Back to swimming, she finished her season which was all I had required from her when she signed up!

I am so proud of her for not quitting, for facing her fears…! Again and again…

What does it take for you to be proud of your kids?

Do they have to win?

Do they have to be the best?

What kind of pressure are you putting on them to achieve your goals?

I don’t have a lot of “me” time and lately I have used all of it to write this blog!

In a typical week, I would say I have almost 2 hours to myself on Saturday morning between 9 and 11am when Emily is working with her tutor.

During that time, I could go to the market, take the dog to the park, pick-up some grocery, start the laundry….. so many things I could be doing but instead of all that….

Instead of all that….. I drive to a small coffee shop not far from the Sylvan learning Centre and I order a breakfast sandwich (with bacon) and a cafe latte.

I sit there and I read, plan vacations or just play with my phone. Once my food and drink are done, I get back to my car and go sit in the parking lot by the Centre and stay there until Emily is ready to come home.

For me to be alone is a luxury! I have so little of this time with myself that I treasure this 2 hours a week!

I don’t really mind the fact that I always have someone with me, I just miss the little things…. stretching in a bed on my own, sitting on the toilet and expecting the door to the bathroom to stay closed, showering, getting dress…..!

Normally my 2 hour is spent really selflessly, reading something of absolutely no importance. That’s how I want to spend those 2 hours….

This morning, I decided that I needed to fill this form the school sent home a couple of weeks ago….. maybe a month ago….

It’s not a form, it’s a document….. 15 pages, 30-35 items per page. All actions that I need to determine if Emily can or can’t do.

It’s called a Function Independent Skills Handbook (FISH assessment)

It’s meant to help determine what Emily’s teacher & resource teacher will be focusing on next year when she transitions to High School.

It’s depressing… not as depressing as the last time I filled it and definitely not nearly as depressing as the first ever assessment we filled for Emily but still…

When I started answering the questions, I figured I should wait until it was cocktail time to do this but I had ignored it long enough so I just kept going…

Well, it is official…. she can’t cook, do laundry, clean around the house or do any type of woodwork 🙂

And I don’t know if she can operate an audio-tape player…..??? That one made me laugh out loud in the coffee shop! I don’t think Emily has ever seen a tape (cassette) player… Do they still exist? She can certainly manage a CD player, DVD player, XBOX, Play station and Wii but a tape player…. LOL!!! I have no idea!!!

Ok, so that one line item helped making that painful task a little bit less painful!

Still, I decided years ago to look at Emily for Emily and not to compare her to a chart….

Every time I have to chart her, it hurts…!

So today my happy though is………. a tape player? Really? Also, all the questions about speakings……. she got those, she can now speak!!!!

I will ignore all the “can’t” or “requires help” items….

I will move on to the pile of laundry…. maybe I should try to teach both Jon and Emily how to split the colors and remove the delicates…. or not!

It’s a challenge for both of them!

If you were to look at one of your loved ones (with or without a disability) and list all of their challenges in life, would you be able to turn-around, set them aside and concentrate on the positive or would you be focusing on all the things they can’t do?

Try to imagine having to repeat this exercise on a regular basis… could you continue to focus on what they can do, on those small things you love about them and not concentrate on the challenges and negativity….?