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I woke up scared.

It’s the 4th night in a row…

I had nightmares as a kid… Always the same one. I eventually could only sleep with someone in my room or by bunking in with my mom or my little brother.

I don’t know the exact signification of night terrors but that’s how I would qualify how it felt.

I was 14 when I finally could sleep on my own, alone in my room.

I was 17 when I moved out of my mom’s house to go away to school. I lived alone, in a big city and I managed just fine but I never watched or listen to the news. News would ruin my night…

I believe I have a great imagination when it comes to scaring myself.

Still today, I read the newspaper on-line in the morning only. Not in the afternoon, not at night and I don’t watch them on tv. I also stay away from thrillers and horror movies. I just can’t watch them… I will dream about it for days afterwards. It is so not worth it.

Back to this morning… I had another nightmare.

It’s the 4th night in a row and I wish tonight will brake the cycle.

As a mom, I have fears…

As Emily’s mom… I have FEARS!!!

I worry about death… My death!

I worry about losing her… I turn around and she’s not there. She’s lost or kidnapped.

I worry about kids at school making fun of her, taking advantage of her…

I worry about adults taking advantage of her…

And by taking advantage of her, I am sure you know what I mean… She’s a beautiful vulnerable 15 year old young lady. I worry about her.

I worry that she is not well and can’t explain what’s wrong, can’t explain how she’s feeling.

I worry about losing her.

I know I said that one already but it’s my most recurring dream. She’s suddenly not there and I can’t find her…

I wake-up completely scared, the dreams are so real, my heart is beating at a completely crazy rate and I’m looking for her.

Lucky for me, she’s most likely lying right next to me :). She’s a cuddler and my husband (her dad) works midnight to 7am so she’s sleeping peacefully next to me. Sometimes she’s lying on my back or holding my arm around her. Most times she’s just there, sleeping.

I know she should be in her bed… I know… I am the enabler, I allow her to sleep next to me and I think it’s mostly for me…

Being a mom has been quite an adventure but I never thought it would bring back the nightmares.

I try to tell myself it was just a dream and I even go back to my childhood way of thinking of something happy… I sing the Smurfs song again and again in my head but this week… It’s not working.

This week, I’m having nightmares.

At 3:36am this morning, when I woke-up… I was scared. As scared as I was as a kid… Maybe even more scared if that’s possible.

I knew being a mom meant to worry for the next 18 or 20 year. I now know that being the mom of a child with special needs will mean worrying for the rest of my life and maybe even longer…

Tonight, I will have good dreams and a great night…

I will repeat this till bed time.

And I will sleep like those 2!



4 thoughts on “Nightmares

  1. that is so hard, i was divorced and remember being so afraid that i would die before they all turned 18, and then after. it’s a very real fear because you care so much about these little vulnerable people who you love, and know that my daughters survived well beyond their teen year. i hope that the bad dreams lessen in time . hugs )

  2. There are times that I wake up bawling – tears streaming down my face. It takes hours before I actually stop crying. I had night terrors when I was little (horrible screaming nightmares that my parents couldn’t wake me up from, but that fortunately I have no memory of!) and my son had them when he was little, too. I don’t know if it means that I’m just more susceptible or if it just comes from being a mom. 🙂

  3. I can relate to the fears…it comes with motherhood. I can feel the anxiety jumping off the screen. I hope the nightmares subside for you soon.

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